In Limbo

Goodness. It's getting difficult to balance, my current life and my possible future. About half my friends know I've been offered Cambridge, of which a quarter have probably forgotten the fact; the other half are completely clueless. Which means that if I do get the money to go, it'll be pretty much a surprise to a full three-quarters of my acquaintances. Even my college teacher who had recommended I apply forgot.

What will happen now? Will I get to go or have I spent my whole holiday thinking, praying and writing applications for funds and not studying for exams in my current uni, pretty much in vain? Oh well. If I do not get to go at least my experience qualifies me for the next few years as a good counsellor for uni applications, having been through the American, British and Singaporean uni applications, and the search for funds. Haha. Not to mention the many times I've had to pass my knowledge down to my juniors.

I don't feel anything right now. The most important question to me is where does God want me to be, and of course the answer is just going to fall from the sky like manna or fly in on the wings of an angel. I'm all for the open doors closed doors kinda answer, but what happens if you have two open doors and you have one foot already in one door? I am already in a university, very comfortably situated and all. I am happy. I have a ministry here. But comfort, feelings and usefulness are not any kind of gauge I would rely on to make a decision about my life. Because God establishes that wherever I go. It's more like, what am I being called for? I'm pretty much a coward. I don't like change. But if I have to go then go I must. But God better speak above a gentle whisper, because I'm deficient in hearing.

At the same time I feel as if I've entered a season of farewell. Maybe it's just a belated farewell to my teenage-hood, my childhood, as I enter my 21st year. Maybe it's a farewell to home and places that have become home in the last five years. If i had guts I would go with the latter. If I had guts I would admit that right now I have a feeling, though not a conviction, that God might want me in Cambridge.

Well, if no money is forthcoming it's a closed door. But if there is...? I hate being in a state of uncertainty (although the irony is that a Lit major should understand the constant uncertainty we face as human beings with limited but varied perspectives).